


Incriminating Voice Mails

by Laura_Sinele



Series: Fictober 2020 [8]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, BAMF Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Copley is very amused, Crack, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Gen, Humor, Humorous Ending, Inappropriate Humor, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani is an Incurable Romantic, Swearing, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26894800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laura_Sinele/pseuds/Laura_Sinele
Summary: Something happened while they were walking back home drunk and cheerful. Someone saw everything. And then told her friend Rebecca on the phone.
Relationships: Andromache of Scythia & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova & Nile Freeman, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: Fictober 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1951714
Comments: 14
Kudos: 126
Collections: Fictober20





	Incriminating Voice Mails

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Tumblr event Fictober, prompt 8: 'I'm not doing that again'
> 
> This is utter nonsense. Enjoy.

‘Becks! Please don’t be asleep! Pick up the phone, Becks!’

‘Becka, this is serious, I’m at the park near the gazebo, I saw something… Ah, Jesus, I don’t know what I saw but I saw it, okay? And I’m too freaked out to walk all the way to the dorm in the middle of the night, please pick up the phone, come pick me up, pleBEEP’

‘Becks, seriously, pick-up-the-phoooone!’

‘Okay, I’m coming to the dorm, I found a group of harmless jocks passing by and I’m following them from a safe distance like, for peace of mind, and I’m coming to the dorm and if you’re binging K-dramas and ignoring the phone I’m going to kill you’

‘Listen, I’m going to keep calling you, because it makes me feel better to be on the phone, and I’m going to tell you what happened, so you when you listen to this you feel terrible about leaving me alone in the middle of a fucking psychotic attack, because if that’s not what this is I don’t know what the fuck is going on! God. I’m gonna have to call you again cause this fucking thing’s about toBEEP

‘I swear I’m not drunk. I swear I’m not high. I was in the library all afternoon and all night, and I ate and I drank enough water. I am NOT making this up. I was walking behind a group of three guys and a girl, wait, no, one of the guys was actually a very tall lesbian, and they are all like ‘remember when Jefferson did this’ and ‘Michaelangello wanted to do you’ and stuff like that, so I was there naming the parts of the skull in my mind and thinking ‘fucking drunk history nerds’ and thenBEEP

‘This would be way easier if you picked your fucking phone, Rebecca. So then, the wind blows and one guy's scarf flies away and they stop, laughing and yelling. And the scarf lands on the roof of the gazebo. And then, the other guy french kisses the one that lost the scarf and runs for it. And the other three run after him, but they’re cheering, they’re not trying to stop him, so I figure I better run too because if he breaks his ass, I mean, I’m gonna be a doctor, I should be able to heBEEP

‘I swear, Becka, this was some serious American Ninja Warrior shit. This guy, name must be Joe cause the others are chanting it like he just won the Superbowl, this guy is up on the roof, picks up the scarf, winds it around his neck and just FUCKING JUMPS. Jesus fucking Christ I lost like ten years of life! And then some fucking more because the fucking scarf gets caught on something and this Joe guy just HANGS THERE AND THE OTHERS DO FUCKING NOTHIBEEP

‘Oh my god. Oh my fucking god, Becka I swear I’m not crazy okay? Here comes the crazy part. Joe’s hanging by the neck and OBVIOUSLY chokes to death, and they are all standing there with their faces like ‘oh, how sad’, LIKE THEIR FRIEND DIDN’T JUST DIE FOR A FUCKING SCARF, and then Tall Lesbian says, get this, says ‘LET’S GET HIM DOWN, DYING LIKE THAT IS A PAIN IN THE ASS’, OH MY FUCKING GOD, OH MY GOD, JESUS MARY AND JOBEEP

‘Okay, so they gather around him, and I’m frozen in shock all the fucking time because they’re so chill about it, and the other guy says ‘Joe, wake up’, and I’m like, okay these people are so fucking hammered they don’t realise their Olympic Medal of Gymnastics friend is dead and I’m going to have to break the news. So I start to move AND SO DOES FUCKING HANGMAN JOE SON OF A BEEP

‘He started to move, I swear, but that’s not it. HE FUCKING TALKS, he says ‘I’M NOT DOING THAT AGAIN’, and I’m like no shit, and he blows a kiss to the other guy, AS IF NOTHING, and they lift him up enough to disentangle the fucking scarf which of course HE GIVES TO HIS BOYFRIEND! Next thing I know I’m lying on the grass and Tall Lesbian has my phone. She looks guilty when she sees I’m back to my senses, says she was looking for my emergency contact and gives me my phone back and they help me up and they FUCKING LEAVE! Like? Were they trying to mug me or something? Ugh, I’m almost there Becka and I’m seeing our light on, you’re SO dead BEEP

Copley was laughing out loud. It was the third time he’d listened to it. Andy, Nile, Joe and Nicky were scattered around the room showing various degrees of regret and shame. Still giggling, he wiped a tear off the corner of his eye ostensibly, hit ‘Delete’, and let a pleased sigh out. 


End file.
